Private Kizhe
by Fortune Maiden
Summary: The rise and fall of a mysterious guard through the eyes of a simple secretary and her paperwork…


**Private Kizhe**

* * *

_The rise and fall of a mysterious guard through the eyes of a simple secretary and her paperwork…_

* * *

_I must start my story with a confession. This story is meant to be an impartial account about the mysterious Private Kizhe's term at Stalag 13, but the truth is, the events are so unusual that I don't know what to make of them. I cannot tell you the hows and whys of this story—even if they exist, they are unknown to me. All I know for certain is that the paperwork points to there being a guard named Georg Kizhe serving at Stalag 13. _

_I don't know when it was that the young Private's ascent into legend began. Maybe it was months—years before I first learned his name. All I know is that my part in the story began when I first noticed that file in the drawer..._

* * *

The file was out of place. I wasn't sure how that happened, but at the time I didn't really care. My first encounter with Private Kizhe was moving his file up one space so that it wasn't behind Corporal Kugel's in the file cabinet. One of my duties as Kommandant Klink's secretary is making sure all of the records are properly organized. Organization and neatness is something I personally like, so I always do my best to make sure everything is in order.

It was only after moving the file and sitting back down at my desk that it began to bother me. Why was it out of place? I knew for certain it could not have been me who put the file there but I also knew that I wasn't the only one who had access to the guards' records. The Kommandant, Captain Gruber, and Sergeant Schultz all had access to the file cabinet, and while they usually asked me to get them what they needed, sometimes they preferred to sift through the records themselves.

But it still bothered me.

The Kommandant and the Captain were just as organized as myself, and Sergeant Schultz usually left papers on my desk for me to put away later. I suppose it could have been possible that he hadn't wanted to bother me one time and returned Private Kizhe's papers himself to the wrong spot, but I do not believe the thought occurred to me at the time. At the time, (and it was a time when I was quite bored admittedly), the file's misplacement bothered me so much that I got up, pulled out the file and opened it.

I do remember my first thoughts. As soon as I opened the file I was met with a photo of a young fair-haired man with a pleasant face. He had a round face with neatly combed hair and small eyes. My first thoughts were that he was quite handsome. Then I noticed his name: Georg Kizhe.

_Did we always have a Georg Kizhe? _I thought. The name was unfamiliar to me, and I was certain I had never seen the file before. However, the file was there, and according to the dates, had been there for quite a while, so I must have never noticed it before.

I will admit that I do not know the name and face of every guard at Stalag 13.

After I read his file (Private from Bremen, with previous combat experience in the Northern campaigns), I lost interest. Whatever it was that had gotten me so curious was gone. I simply put back the file, and went back to work.

It was a few hours later, that things got a little interesting.

* * *

The Kommandant was busy balancing the camp's budget. He had been working on it all morning and had given strict orders to not be disturbed. Of course, whenever the Kommandant wanted a quiet working space most, that was when Colonel Hogan decided he had to see him.

Colonel Hogan entered in his usual carefree way, acting as if he was in charge of the camp (and I think he really is sometimes). As always, I did my best to keep him from entering the Kommandant's office, but to my surprise it actually worked. Colonel Hogan leaned over my desk and in a somewhat loud mischievous voice said, "Actually Hilda, maybe you can help me out today."

I was intrigued. I didn't let him know that though.

"You see I just wanted to know where Private Kizhe was stationed tonight."

"Private Kizhe?" _Him again?_

"Yeah, you see, he is probably the single toughest guard in this camp. My men tremble at his name!" He sounded like he was trying to captivate me. I realized then that his comments weren't so much for me as the man who likely had his ear pressed against the door by then. Colonel Hogan is a very charming man. I can never say no when he occasionally "asks" for a favor, so I played along.

"Oh yes, Private Kizhe," I supposed he wanted to know the guard's schedule for the evening, so I rifled through my papers to find the evening's postings. Sure enough Private Kizhe's name was on the list. How had I not noticed it before? Before I could read it to him though, Hogan placed a finger on his lips and winked. He glanced over at the Kommandant's door. I understood.

"Why are you asking me this, Colonel Hogan? You know I'm not supposed to tell you." Hogan then came around to me and knelt down so we were at eye level.

"Alright, I'll tell you, but you must keep it a secret from the Kommandant, okay?" If he really intended to keep it secret he would have at least lowered his voice. "Can you do that for me, Hilda?"

"I suppose. Go on."

"You see Hilda, my men and I have been watching the guards up at the searchlights for several weeks now, and we noticed something very interesting. On searchlight three—that's the one closest to the delousing shed—most of the guards miss this one spot in the fence, and no other searchlight hits it. Except for Private Kizhe. That man is a menace of efficiency!" Colonel Hogan's eyes were sparkling as he said this.

"So then you want to know if he's posted at searchlight three tonight?" I asked.

"Yeah you see, the boys recently got their hands on some wire cutters and—

It was at that moment that the Kommandant opened the door and Colonel Hogan quickly straightened up, clearing his throat sheepishly. "Kommandant! I was just looking for you," he offered an innocent smile.

"I'm sure," the Kommandant glared at him. I briefly wondered if he planned to confront the Colonel about the planned escape attempt, or let it play out and catch him in the act.

I suppose if he had chosen the former, things would have gone very differently.

Kommandant Klink chose to "play it cool" as the Americans say. He hastily dismissed Colonel Hogan, giving no indication that he heard anything. I will tell you he was anything but convincing but I complimented his fine handling of the situation. He then snatched the schedule from me and looked it over.

Looking back on it, a strange look crossed the Kommandant's face as he mouthed the name "Kizhe". It was as if it was unfamiliar to him too. He didn't say anything to me about it. He grabbed a pen from my desk and made some corrections, likely moving Kizhe to searchlight three as Colonel Hogan hinted. When he called Sergeant Schultz to inform him of the changes in the night's guard posts, a similar confused look crossed the Sergeant's face when he mouthed "Kizhe". But like the Kommandant, he said nothing.

Would I have even noticed the confusion if that file had been in its rightful place?

* * *

I cannot say what happened that night as I wasn't there for it. All I can say about the night's events is what the paperwork told me the next morning. Whenever there is an escape—successful or not—reports must be filled out. These reports have to be filled out in triplicate, but the Kommandant is usually too laz—_busy_ to fill out more than one of any form, so after doing the first one, he leaves it on my desk for me to copy onto pre-signed forms.

I do not usually read most of the reports I copy. When you have to deal with so much paperwork, it all becomes meaningless words on a page. It's almost funny that way; I have access to more information than anyone in the camp, but no one knows less about the camp's affairs than me (except possibly the Kommandant himself).

I did read this one though. Perhaps it was because the previous day's events stayed with me, but I immediately noticed Kizhe's name on the report. The details were vague (they usually are) but he had been the hero of the evening, discovering Corporal Newkirk's attempts to cut the wire. It was rare enough for the Kommandant to give credit to anyone for foiling an escape, but to hear him praise the Private's cunning wit so glowingly? I almost suspected the report to be one of Colonel Hogan's tricks.

I love the man, but he really needs to stop involving my paperwork in his ploys.

The report was real though. That became clear to me when I saw how much the Kommandant was grinning when I came to deliver the finished copies.

Private Kizhe's file was wide open on his desk.

The strangeness only continued from there. I do not usually talk to any of the guards aside from Sergeant Schultz, but as there are always a couple standing guard outside the office, I do hear them. Today's topic of conversation was (surprise, surprise) Private Kizhe. They talked about him for hours: going over his service record, his rumored turning down promotions, his excellent character, and, of course, his prevention of the escape.

The man was an idol in their minds.

And not just theirs…

By the afternoon, everyone was talking about Private Kizhe. Sergeant Schultz, who just the previous day frowned at the name, talked about the Private as if he had personally trained him to be such a great soldier. This earned him Klink's ire, who insisted that it was _he_ who made Private Kizhe the model guard he was.

And I was still convinced I had never seen his file before discovering it behind Corporal Kugel's.

* * *

Private Kizhe's fame kept spreading from there. It was as if there was nothing else to talk about anymore! The guards were all striving to be like Private Kizhe. The _prisoners_ had elevated him to the most amazing man in the camp.

When even the prisoners begin praising a guard's character and work ethic, then you know you have a true fanaticism on your hands.

The Kommandant even put him in for a promotion. As the person in charge of all of the camp's records, I can say definitively that no one has ever been promoted at Stalag 13.

"It just isn't right for our camp hero to be nothing but a buck private, Fraulein Hilda," he told me a couple of days later, "The man has an excellent service record. I think he really deserves it. Maybe I can even make _him_ the Sergeant of the Guard," he laughed at that, "Then my perfect no-escape record will be unchallengeable!"

"Perhaps you may even recommend him for officer training," I suggested. Lieutenant Kizhe had a better ring to it anyway, in my opinion.

"Maybe I will," he agreed, nodding his head in serious consideration. He then called Sergeant Schultz to summon the Private to his office. I admit I was looking forward to finally seeing the great hero face to face. His smiling photo was fresh in my mind, but after all the stories I've heard, I couldn't place a character to his face. I was even a little nervous. He was such a great role model after all.

When the Kommandant did that though, a funny look crossed Sergeant Schultz's face. He had frozen in place and started stammering, as if he were unsure of what to do.

It was probably also very suspicious that Colonel Hogan chose to make an appearance at the moment. He had evidently heard the Kommandant's request for he said,

"Geez Kommandant, have you forgotten already? You gave Private Kizhe a three day pass. He's not due back until tomorrow."

"I did no such thing!" the Kommandant insisted.

I filed no such record…I think.

"Really?" Colonel Hogan shrugged, "Maybe he's deserting then. Wouldn't be the first one."

"He is not!" The Kommandant shrieked startling everyone, "If he is not here, he is out on a three day pass. That _I_ gave him. Because he deserved it."

No one questioned him.

"Schultz, have Private Kizhe report straight to me when he returns. Dismissed," the Kommandant ordered and retreated into his office.

Later I checked and discovered a record of a three day pass being filled out for one Private Kizhe.

* * *

The events of the following day are unknown to me. It was my day off and the first one I had where I lamented not being at Stalag 13. I supposed Private Kizhe would be Corporal Kizhe when I returned.

* * *

He wasn't.

He _was_, however, even more of a saint now.

The promotion forms were discovered torn up in a wastebasket.

I guess he turned it down.

* * *

I could tell you countless anecdotes of Private Kizhe's greatness. At his peak there were enough stories of his exploits floating around camp to fill up several volumes. However, every story has its conclusion, and I suppose this is the best point to begin the dénouement.

Private Kizhe had no interest in glory. I expect if he did, he would easily rise to a great General. No, he was content being a simple Private, with a simple Private's pay (though the Kommandant did give him a nice bonus in his next paycheck, which he did accept). He was a great man, beloved by the entire camp.

But he wasn't happy.

From what I understood, he longed for action. Being a guard at an escape proof camp watching over cowed prisoners bored him. He had fought in Norway and thirsted for the thrill of combat again. He believed the only way he could truly serve his country was by being out on the front lines.

So he started slacking. I cannot say much about it, because I never witnessed it, but his name came up on several reports, mainly for laziness.

The stories about him weren't stopping. Everyone kept saying he was just tired and would recover soon. Everyone had bad days, they said.

But he didn't. His bad days turned into bad weeks, and the Kommandant was getting annoyed. He had no idea how to handle his wayward guard, because no amount of punishment worked. The obvious solution was unthinkable. I suggested it casually at one point to get him to stop pacing in front my desk, and he told me he could never get rid of the man he considered a son.

Then Colonel Hogan (who was a witness to the Kommandant's endless moping) suggested that he wanted to go the Russian Front and fight the evil Russians with his countrymen. Kommandant Klink would hear none of it.

* * *

A few days later, Private Kizhe was transferred to the Russian Front.

There was much mourning.

* * *

_The stories continued for a while. The general consensus among the guards was that Private Kizhe was a hero for volunteering for the Russian front, and held a vigil for him. _

_As for me, I noticed one day, when the worst of the commotion calmed down, that Private Kizhe's file was gone. I suppose the Kommandant removed it. Private Kizhe was no longer posted at Stalag 13, so there was no reason to keep his file in the cabinet. _

_But when that file disappeared, so did the only physical evidence I had of Private Kizhe. He was such a great man, with a great character. I lamented never meeting him at first, but then my lament was replaced with suspicion. _

_Out of curiosity, I asked several people about Private Kizhe. Colonel Hogan was the first, and he described the man exactly as he was on the file. Sergeant Schultz did too. Everyone else, however, gave wild descriptions about Private Kizhe. And the more I pressed them about him, the more suspicious their stories about him became. Finally, one man admitted that he had never seen the Private; only heard about him from the others. _

…_That one man later turned into several men._

_A mysterious hero, this Private Kizhe. So mysterious that no one even knew what he looked like. _

_It was as if he only existed on paper._

* * *

**Thank you for reading! :D**

**I probably should be working on my NaNo novel. I have over 50k words already but am only about 3/4 through the story. But I had this plot bunny come to me and couldn't help myself (also part of this story was meant to be incorporated into the longer story but I didn't think it fit with the other story's tone.)**

**There's another oneshot I really want to write too...I mean, I haven't written anything funny for a sitcom yet! But we'll see...**

**Anyone want to guess where the name Georg Kizhe came from? (There is slight hint in the story.)  
**


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